Strange Comforts
by tantalus troupe
Summary: Shepard finds herself stuck between a place of comfort and a place she thought she knew. When someone supports you but at the same time makes you feel so incredibly lost. Rated M for mature audience. Language, Sexual Content, Themes. A sequel to One Bottle Turns to Ten. Story does not have to be read to read this one. Takes place during ME3.
1. Intro: White Knuckles

"Commander,"

"You aren't supposed to call me that anymore James," Shepard turned around from the Alliance window form where she had been watching a little boy playing outside. She had been grounded for so long that people watching had become apart of her daily routine. Her day here were too long when there was so much more right now that she was meant to be doing.

"Well I am not supposed to salute you either but this is serious the defense Committee wants to se you," James turned around and began exiting the room with Shepard right in step behind him. She didn't know what this was about even since she had been relieved no one really told her anything and quite honestly it made her angry but what could she do? She had only saved the world and destroyed a Reaper and told the Illusive Man where to shove it but apparently that was nothing. Halfway down the hall they had run into Anderson who Shepard was more than happy to see a friendly face.

"Commander you look like you are getting a tad soft," Anderson said shaking her hand as they double timed down the hall. She knew she was getting soft she was not meant to be caged. "Admiral Hackett is getting everyone ready and in position something big is about to happen Shepard and we need you."

"Me? What is going on?" Shepard asked almost being run into several times and having James right behind her on her heels was not helping either since he was such a big guy. All the way Shepard asked Anderson was it was and getting no answer. She knew it was the Reapers even if he would not tell her and she knew that Alliance and Earth was not ready.

"I am no politician Anderson. They grounded me and took me ship because no believes my reports."

"Shepard we all believe it but non of us have seen it. You have seen it and you faced death in the eye called a Reaper. We just need to get the defense committee to see exactly what you see." Anderson barked pushing his fingers on a keypad waiting for the door to open before continuing, "The time is now Shepard but I cannot say anything until we see the defense committee."

"Its all real and they are coming back we are not ready Anderson." Shepard said pushing past a Alliance officer trying to keep up.

"Well we have to be," Anderson answered solemnly "As Major..."

The passed through security and Shepard shook James hand as he wished her luck.

"Shepard?" A voice called to her, a voice she had not heard in so long that even the sound of it felt like a ghost. A ghost whose messages she never replied back to. A Ghost that made her stomach feel like she was going to be ill.

"Kaiden," Shepard turned around walking away from James and making her way to Kaiden. "You are a Major now?" That was the first thing out of her mouth. After all this time this was the first thing she said but what else could she say to him?

"Oh you didn't hear?" Anderson asked not wasting time for a answer he went ahead. Shepard and Kaiden lingered for a moment with a still awkwardness that came from both of them.

"I hadn't heard..." Shepard said softly looking up at his eyes those same eyes that felt like a home she knew.

"Sorry Shepard its been...well..." Kaiden didn't know what to say to her.

"No its good I am just glad that I had bumped into you Kaiden," with that said Shepard slapped him straight across the face causing every Alliance solider to spin around at the mere sound of it. "So how is Ashley?"

Shepard was happy that Anderson had gone ahead and not seen that she slapped Kaiden square across the face. Shepard had no regrets.

* * *

Authors note: Hello Everyone this is our intro. I will keep this short so stay tuned for Chapter One!


	2. Chapter 1: Can You Trust Me?

Shepards hand still had a slight sting to it when she gripped her gun. She had hoped that by now it would have gone away but it didn't it was the only feeling she still had left from Earth. Leaving Anderson there was one of the hardest things that she could have done and leaving Earth to fend for itself without here didn't feel right. Earth needed her but what good would she be if she was dead. Shepard had to fix this and she had to find a way to stop the Reapers fast. She needed to do what Anderson asked and she needed the Councils help.

They had made their way to Mars much to Shepard surprise Kaiden was by her side. Even after her slapping him across the face. They were on Mars looking for whatever it would be that Hackett thought would help them against the Reapers. They didn't know Cerberus would be there. Shepard didn't know that she would be fighting them all the way inside the base but finally they made it in and for the first time since she slapped him Kaiden spoke to her.

"Tell me straight Shepard," Kaiden said taking off his helmet as they waited for the elevator to go down he was angry. "Did you know? Have you known this whole time that they would be here waiting for us? Taking over?"

"Kaiden..." Shepard sounded exhausted like she knew he would ask her these things but quote honestly she didn't know how to tell him.

"No. Don't 'Kaiden' me Shepard tell me honestly! Cut the shit about Ashley I meant to tell you I did! This is not a personal matter be honest."

"Kaiden no I had no idea why would I even know?" Shepard said defensively

"Because you work for them!"

"Not anymore Kaiden I don't I am not with the Illusive Man anymore! I needed them Kaiden to stop the Reapers to fight the Collectors! I needed them to get the job done when no one else was there." She had said it. 'When no one else was there' as in When you didn't believe in me.' But it was not just that because he needed to know.

"Shepard you worked for them they made you! They brought you back from the dead and they made you new!" Kaiden gripped his hands on the bar of the elevator not sure of how to put it. How to say his words without being so angry.

"I have no contact with them after to Collector base Kaiden," Shepard said putting it blankly.

"Shepard has been under constant watch and would have had no way of reaching them." James had added in and bother Shepard and Kaiden looked over at him completely forgetting that he was even their Yeah I know not my business I will just go scope ahead," James said as the elevator came to a stop leaving Kaiden and Shepard alone.

"Please trust me I can explain more later but please just trust me," Shepard said softly knowing it was a lot to ask of him.

"I do but-" Kaiden began but they heard gunshots. Both took off toward the noise out of the elevator until they made it to the docking bay finding Liara T'soni finding a large amount of Cerberus.

* * *

All the way through the base they had bickered Shepard and Kaiden. It was awkward and Liara was not too sure what to say. There had been a point before the Collector Base, before Shepards death, before she lost the Normandy, or Illos that Both Kaiden and Liara stood in front of Shepard and told her there was no running around it but she had to pick. Liara was not surprised that Shepard had picked Kaiden. She knew there small flirting was nothing compare to the fire fueled when she was with him. Those feelings were gone now but looking at the way Shepard wanted Kaiden to believe in her and the way Kaiden wanted her to understand she knew it was still there. They had fought their was into the base farther to get to the archives and get the information that they needed at all the way the tension kept changing between the two. They had to beat Cerberus to the archives it was all that they needed now.

Finally the trio had found a resting point. Liara was trying to override the tram while Kaiden had taken off to find a way to contact Cerberus see if they would send a tram. Liara gave Shepard a looked when she came over to the screen.

"Don't." Shepard said blankly pointing her finger at her asari friend.

"I didn't say anything Shepard." Liara said looking back at her screen typing.

* * *

The moments that happened next on the Citadel moved to slow for Shepard. Her stomach was in knots and for once everything was out of her control. Kaiden was hurt and he was hurt bad.

They had found the Prothean data and seeing the Illusive Man was no happy trip for Shepard but watching the monster. This Dr Eva. This creature come out of the burning shuttle was nothing she was prepared for. The Doctor was not human she was biotic. No one would have survived that crash or come out on fire without burning in pain. But she didn't have time to react. She didn't have time to get to Kaiden immediately when the biotic attacked him. She barely had time to get to him at all and now he was paying for it. The injuries that the biotic had on him were gruesome. Shepard had rushed him to the Hospital on the Citadel and now he was in good hands. Shepard stood in the lobby watching them take Kaiden away. After all this after all she didn't get to say. Shepard had told him to trust her to believe in her and she got him hurt and it was stupid. Shepard threw her helmet scaring a couple of Salarian.

"Sorry..." she mumbled going and picking her helmet up again. There was nothing that she could do now but wait.

"Shepard I thought that was you," Dr Chakwas came over shaking the Commanders hand, "I heard about Alenko. I am so sorry."

"What can I do Dr. Chakwas? What will help?" Shepard pleaded

"Nothing now but to wait. We will do what we can but it will look like he will need surgery." Shepards heart dropped. She had always been good about keeping her crew alive but surgery?  
"I can contact you when he is out but it will be a while. Get some rest Commander." Dr Chakwas took off to the emergency ward leaving Shepard with her thoughts which is a place she hated. Shepard got on the elevator and headed to the Embassy. If there was nothing she could do here she had to keep moving. Stopping would only give her time to think and she just couldn't do it.

* * *

Shepard made her way to Mirandas old office which was now in control by Liara T'soni. Liara had made herself at home with her own mini shadow broker base in the office. Shepard let herself in seeing Liara working with Glyph looking over there wall of screens of cameras all through the galaxy.

"Keeping busy?" Shepard asked looking at a screen of the Citadel Docking Bay. She wondered how many times Liara had kept tabs on her but shook the thought away.

"I do what I can there is always something going on I need to be taking care of," Liara sighed typing into her computer, "How is Alenko?"

"In Surgery," Shepard said picking up some prototypes of god knows what Liara had brought, "Dr. Chakwas will message me when he is out and I can see him,"

"I am so sorry Shepard I know this has been hard for you."

It was hard for her but she was not too sure why. These feelings for Kaiden and suddenly resurfaced out of a place she did not know. Shepard had not thought of Kaiden in such an emotional way in so long that for her to suddenly want to be at his bedside watching him get better was very confusing. She was his Commander but not only that but since she had found out about him and Ashley she had tried to just forget it all.

"Liara can I tell you something?" Shepard sat down in one of the swivel chairs in front of the tv while Glyph floated around her face. She did her best to ignore his constant talking to himself.

"Is everything alright?" Liara pushed her chair around crossing her legs she put down her work giving Shepard her full attention.

"Do you remember a couple of nights before we had destroyed the Collector base? When I called you up? It was a night or two before you gave me my dog tags?"

"Yes of course. But that night was so long ago..."

"Alenko had sent me a message about a week before about him. About us. I never responded. This is the first time we have spoken since he was on my ship after Horizon," Shepard hung her head low

"Ah now you are feeling guilty..." Liara assumed but she knew she was right. "I wouldn't Commander those were different times. Were weren't expecting what Cerberus to do what it's doing now especially trying to get Prothean data. Give it time Commander. Plus don't we need to head to Palaven's moon? Isn't there a certain turian there you want to see?"

* * *

"So...this wasn't the reunion I had planned..." Garrus said as he shot down a husk.  
Liara, Shepard, and James had made it to Palaven's Moon only to get put right into the middle of war. With Reapers taking over Palaven its moon was becoming the only place to go to. With the current turian Primarch dead they had to search the battle field for the next one. Along the way finding Garrus was a bonus. To be honest Shepard had been worried that they wouldn't find Garrus and that thought scared her. She pushed it so far back into her mind and pushed Kaiden to the front because the simple of idea that Garrus would be somewhere on Palaven might have killed her. But finding him on the moon and not only that but him now where the next Primarch was had become dumb luck.

"Really? I thought all of our reunion involved us being shot at?" Shepard said sarcastically peeking out over her cover. "Two husks at your 3," She shot a husk at her left, "How close are we?"

"Almost to Victus. So Shepard. How have you been?" Garrus asked casually as they gunned down reapers.

"Oh you know. Having my home planet taken over, becoming a Spectre again, having the council doubt me. The usual." Shepard made a run for further cover on the other side of James and Liara.

"Alliance likes to keep you busy being grounded and all," James said laughing as he gunned down some reapers.

"Yes yes laugh it up Vega" Shepard rolled her eyes.

Shepard gave a signal for everyone to hold as it became quiet. Moving forward they kept there guard up but it seemed all the husks in that area were cleaned out. The sight of Palaven was horrible. The planet looked in ruins and she knew that there time to find the new Primarch and get him safely off of the moon was little. The ground moved ahead through the craters of the moon going past many dead turians. A lot of stations they had passed looked like they had been abandoned most likely from turians trying to find a way off the moon. To Shepard this felt like the sight she had seen of Earth. The reapers were not going to just stop at one planet they were going to take every planet making sure no life forms would be left.

"So Shepard," Garrus said softly falling back in step with her behind Liara and James "are we going to talk about..."

"Now is not the time Garrus I am kind of in the middle of saving your planet."

"Shepard you never answered me. After the suicide mission we all went our separate ways. I never heard from you." Garrus grabbed Shepard arm turning her around.

"Garrus...please we need to find the Primarch," She looked away not wanting to look him in the eye.

"Shepard how do you think i feel running into you on my moon? Don't I get a answer? Or should I assume that not hearing from you in almost a year was the answer."

"It wasn't I was grounded I couldn't get a message even if I wanted to."

"It isn't that hard Shepard," Garrus grip on her arm tightened. "I have thought about you. For so long..."

"I have too Garrus..."

"Shepard I asked you to marry me. So is it a yes or a no?"


	3. Chapter 2: Quiet the Longing

There was a moment in Garrus mind that was on repeat for the past several months. The moment when He had taken Shepards hand to save her from falling of the shuttle. It reminded him also of the last talk they had before the suicide mission and how he should not have been such a fool. The look she had given him and by the goddess when she said his name it was like he had heard her say it for the first time. The moments when they were separated in the Collector base only reminded him that Shepard was strong-willed and would not go until the task she was given had been completed. He knew if anyone had a chance of survival it was her but seeing her alive gave him the push he needed to tell her that was more than his Commander. When he put out his hand and she took the feeling was something he had never forgotten. But had she? Was it the adrenaline talking instead of the Commander? Was it just that she thought those were her last days and she could not be brought back to life for a third time? No, she had to feel something inside of her that made her want him in the sexual ways she did. Or was it that he was really just a stress relief?

* * *

_"Shepard do you have a moment?" Garrus came into Shepard's quarters of the Normandy. it was almost morning though there really was no morning in space the clock said 5:00 AM._

_"Gooddammit..." Shepard muttered under her breath, "Garrus what's going on?" Shepard was sitting at her desk still fully clothed._

_"Have you even slept?" Garrus grabbed her hand helping her up from her chair_

_"It's nice to see chivalry isn't dead," she smiled the bags under her eyes looking puffier. Shepard unzipped her crewman's jacket throwing it next on her desk. Garrus examined her chest as she stretched her black tank top clinging to her. Garrus coughed averting his eyes so it wasn't so obvious he was staring. Ever since the drunken night and he woken up next to Shepard yes things were weird for a while but since he started becoming her stress relief she was always over him. After joining Cerberus he was always at her side and never stopped believing in her. Which was hard to find. Sure neither of them trusted Cerberus and they weren't about to but he had her back._

_"You look like hell," Garrus sat down on the bed next to Shepard putting his hand on her leg._

_"Well then I spoke to soon," Shepard scoffed, "I slept a little but I just had...messages to read." Her eyes shifted back to her computer._

_"Anything important? like a last-minute 'Hey can you help me save my family' before we go into the Omega Relay and fight Collectors?"_

_"No...just some personal ones," She sighed looking back at Garrus. Shepard didn't want to tell Garrus about the e-mail from Kaiden. They never talked about him which was fine. Shepard tried to forget that Ashley dropped the bomb that the two years they thought she was dead they had slept together. But she also understood Garrus not wanting to either considering the fact she was sleeping with him. Shepard thought about Kaiden's email. She thought about his words and his feelings and she tried to shake it off. Kaiden made a choice already and her suddenly coming back to life was not fair to him. She had to force herself to let go even if for now she was pretending to. it wasn't that Garrus wasn't an option it was just that what they were doing was casual and not a real relationship. Sex was all they were doing and that was going to be it she wasn't ready for anything else especially since she wasn't even sure they would survive the Relay but she had to be sure._

_"So..." Shepard purred a little taking Garrus hand moving it higher up her leg, "Any reason for this visit?" she began unzipping the front of his shirt before he took his hand on hers pulling her hand away. Shepard pouted a little squirming and bouncing on the bed_

_"Stop. Stop doing that," Garrus put his talons on her arms, "It makes the front part of your chest move and its distracting,"_

_"Oh. Sorry" Shepard blushed._

_"Comma- Shepard. I wanted to talk about us. Garrus got up from the bed and paced a little trying to get his thoughts together, before he continued "This had been great. This exchanging intercourse. However..."_

_"Are you trying to give me the 'lets just be friends' speech before we possibly die because I would rather just take the death knowing I was a great lover." Shepard interrupted raining her eyebrow at him._

_"No you're great in bed, and shower, and most of the Normandy. Don't tell Joker what we did in his chair."_

_"Its okay only EDI knows literally everything."_

_"That...is not comforting. But, Shepard listen. This journey we are about to go down. This huge life changing this we are about to do. It's been making me think and there is just so much more I have wanted out of life and so much more to live for." Garrus ran his talons over his head, "Shepard those times with you have amazed me and I have loved every minute of them."_

_"I have as well Garrus but what is this about?"_

_"Do you think were going to make it? Through the Relay?"_

_Shepard gave him a shocked look. Was he doubting her? Did he think they would not make it? That she wouldn't save her Normandy Crew? "I know we are. We are as ready as we will every be I know we can do it."_

_"I don't think we won't Shepard that is not what I am trying to say...I just don't want to lose this momentum you and I have and I want it to last and there is something I want to ask but it's just I am not sure. I want something to finally go right once. I don't want to make this harder on you...I want something more" Garrus had begun to babble leaving Shepard sitting on the bed a little confused._

_"Garrus...," Shepard got up from the bed taking off her top she moved over to Garrus running her fingers down his neck. "I can't give you 'more' right now but I can give you this and what little of me that isn't emotionally or physically broken." with that she didn't let him finish, she didn't let him explain his feelings she didn't want to so she did what she was best which was apparently sex._

_Then it happened. As the destroyed the Collector base and it went up in flames. Shepard was always the last to leave because no one gets lets behind. She ran as fast as she possibly could and the shuttle in sight she jumped as far as she could to it trying to avoid the shots being fired at her. But she didn't think it was as far as it actually was and she slammed into the opening of the shuttle holding on for her life her legs dangling in the air. A hand reached out to her and looking up it was Garrus. _  
_"Garrus!" Shepard shouted in such a had not been with her in the end she had sent him in the base with the other squad. She had not heard his voice on the radio during the mission and to this very point was not sure if he was even still alive. Taking his hand he pulled her into the shuttle and she didn't care what anyone thought she kissed him. Shepard kissed him in front of her entire crew and she didn't care. _

_"Goddamn Shepard!" Jack cheered laughing. Everyone else averted their eyes wishing each other congrats on living._  
_Garrus pulled Shepard away completely stunned. "I didn't know you were alive," Shepard tried to explain, "I didn't know and you standing here in front of me is something I will always cherish; not losing you. It would have killed me."_

_Garrus pulled Shepard in kissing her he could feel a tear go down his hand from her eyes. As he pulled away his whispered to her, "Marry me."_

* * *

"What was I supposed to say Garrus?" Shepard shouted at him in the middle of a crater. The two of them had completely stopped moving and were both five feet away arms crossed, "How could I give you an answer I didn't even know you had feelings!" Garrus scoffed at her words.  
"I meant feelings for me!" She threw her arms up in the air.

"Shepard I had tried to that one night before the mission and you told me that you couldn't give me everything but you could give me something. I wanted all of you Shepard and by the goddess I was not about to just pretend all of that never happened." Garrus pointed at his planet, "Now if you don't mind since you have this way of making me feel incredibly vulnerable I have Palaven to save and a Primarch to find so we can just do what YOU do best and ignore the problem for now." Garrus grunted shoving past her.

Shepard trotted after him. She didn't know what to say she wasn't good at any of this. Why couldn't she focus or get these things right? Why was being with someone so goddamn hard? As they mad either way out of the crater both Liara and James were waiting on top

"What took you so long?" James asked but both Garrus and Shepard walked right past him. He shrugged looking over at Liara, "Did I do something wrong?"

"What did you want from me Garrus?" Shepard ran ahead standing in front of him, "What do you want?"

"Well an answer is something I have already gotten. Your months and months of silence and the fact that right after I asked you, you literally said nothing til we landed then you threw me in your bed and the next morning when we docked I didn't see you again." Garrus pushed passed her climbing up to a higher point of view.

"Threw you into bed? Last I had checked Garrus you were more than happy to be in my bed," Shepard snapped at him pulling out her sniper riffle she took a look down the cliff and their surroundings. The walk had been quiet but there was a camp not too far which only meant it was Victus camp.

"Then I guess I have nothing to want from you," Garrus answered in a low tone.

Shepard laughed a little, "I have nothing to offer you Garrus. I am an ex Spectre now given Spectre rights again after being grounded and joining Cerberus. I died and lost two years of my life and spent far more than a period of my life saving the world form a disaster they refused to believe til it knocked on Earths door. So you are right: I have nothing to offer you that you would want." Shepard fire her Sniper Riffle taking down Reapers in the distance by the camp.

As she packed up her gun and slid down the mountain for a full frontal attack Garrus took a good look at her. This was not the Shepard he had met on the Citadel. This was not the Shepard that use to need stress medication. This Shepard had become tougher and at the same time more vulnerable. But this Shepard thought so little of herself. Shepard always been so humble and never once asked for credit or a ward or recognition for the things that she had done. When the council did not believe in her she did what she had to. When the entire Alliance lost faith in her and thought her a fool she proved them all wrong. But goddamn she never stopped trying. This is why he found her exhilarating. Garrus knew that the attack on Earth was hurting her and he knew his presence was not helping or was brining up the past. Were his feelings unrequited? Would she ever feel them back? Or was this a lost cause like Palaven?

Garrus squeezed his fist so that they did not shake. Setting his jaw he made his way down the hill after the Commander because as much as he hated it not only did Palavan need him but this god forsaken Commander did too even if she was more stubborn than a Krogan.


	4. Chapter 3: I Still Feel Her

Shepard tapped her fingers on the table of the crewman deck. The EDI sitting across from her was very confusing mostly because she was still not use to EDI having a body, but a body that was incredible. EDI just sat there staring at her.

"Did you need something Commander?" EDI asked tilting her head, "You have stared at me for approximately seven minutes and twenty-five seconds."

"No, I am just still trying to get use to physical EDI instead of the voice of God EDI. How is Joker taking it?"

"Very well Commander. Him, like most of the male Alliance staff, seem to enjoy the version of me a lot more. I don't think that Jeff is enjoying the more frequent visits from male staff to his cockpit. I believe he finds them as he puts it 'annoying as hell'."

"Yeah that sounds like Joker, don't mind his jealousy." Shepard smiled at the thought of a Joker getting his feathers ruffled.

"Why would Jeff be jealous?" EDI asked curious by the Commanders comment.

"Oh uh," Shepard leaned back in her chair tapping her fingers harder against the table trying to think of a way to put it so EDI would understand, "hypothetically speaking EDI lets say you had a toy. This toy has been with you through good and bad and it held a lot of good memories. Now lets say finally there was a way to upgrade the toy and it was flashier and fancier and now every other person wanted to look or be near it. " She said her voice rising slamming her hand on the table, "But that is your toy. It is your goddamn toy and just because you have been gone two years doesn't give someone else the right to make it their toy because it was your first and they should had tried harder to hang on to the toy. But then a different toy comes along that understands you and its great and flashy in its own way but then it wants to marry you and you're just trying to save the world without emotionally killing every toy in the process."

EDI blinked looking at the Commander, "Commander Shepard are you in need of medical attention?"

Shepard slammed her head on the table, "Probably."

"Would you like me to get Dr. Chakwas for you Commander?"

"No just ask Joker to explain the toy thing."

"Yes Commander," EDI got up most likely leaving thinking what Shepard said was a command.

Shepard got up making her way to the Medical bay to check on Eve. Ever since her rescue she actually enjoyed getting to know the female krogan. it was like something she would never imagine happening. Once the genophage makes it was into the Tuchanka air they krogans would be born anew. Wrex could finally have his family.

"Oh Commander Shepard," Mordin said delighted, "We were just running test on the tissue that Wrex has given us would you care to take a look?"

"No thank you I am sure the Krogan 'tissue' looks amazing from this far. I am just here to see Eve." Mordin waved her off more interest in the tissue.

"Hello Commander," Eve jumped off the table the female krogan shook the Commanders head, "What brings you down here?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing Eve," Shepard leaned against Dr. Chakwas table, "I know this must be a huge change for you from a test room."

"Yes it is a change but I will learn to face change. The krogans will need me not only for my genes but for leadership."

Shepard smiled. She liked Eve, she had such spirit through all of this and was ready to take the change head on. Eve was strong willed and knew what she needed to make the Krogan a better species. She would lead them to a victory that would change their history. Yes, the Krogan and the Turians had their huge differences with the genophage but hopefully the hope this war needed would be Eve.

"Your friend the turian was just down here Commander. He is a very pleasant turian unlike the others I have met but over time I think that will change."

"Garrus?" Shepard perked up slightly.

"Yes Commander he is your friend is he not?" Eve asked a tad confused by the Commanders response.

"No he is...I should let you rest." Shepard said softly walking out of the room leaving Eve confused and Mordin with his tissue.

Garrus. Shepard held her body up against the wall needing it for the support against the near thought of him. Garrus, the stupid fool was probably in her engines or Normandy's guns knowing him calibrating his little heart out. She smiled a little at the thought of it and she shook it off immediately. She remembered the Collectors base, the feeling and the emotions that waved over her thinking the Garrus may have not survived. Her heart tugged a little remembering how she had felt seeing him at the end of that god awful place. How he had literally followed her to end of hell and back for her. But marriage? Marriage was a serious commitment. Commitments was not something that Shepard could give him but did he know? Did he not realize these were most likely their last days? But a thought hit her so hard she thought she was going to be sick.  
What if she had not seen Garrus on Palaven? Shepard's body began to shake at the mere thought of it.

"Commander are you alright?" Dr. Chakwas grabbed the Commanders arm shaking her slightly.

"Huh?" Shepard looked up she had been in such a daze.

"You are very pale and you are shaking. Are you coming down with something?" Dr. Chakwas looked worried putting the back of her hand on the Commanders head.

"You remind me of my mother," Shepard chuckled removing the Doctors hand, "I am alright just tired." she smiled weakly. Dr. Chakwas stood silently examining the Commanders face looking for signs that she was completely full of shit. But nothing came from Shepard but a smile.

"I have news for you Commander from Dr. Michelle it seems Alenko has woken up and is doing better. Next time we are in the Citadel make sure to send my regards." With that said Dr. Chakwas took off for the Medical bay.

"Well you going to go visit your boyfriend?" a snarky voice called out to Shepard.

"Garrus." Shepard walked away not even turning around trying to get to the elevator as fast as possible.

"I'm sorry are you going to try to out run me? In a ship? In Space?" Garrus chased after down the hall only to find her in the elevator pushing the elevator button as fast she could. Garrus put his hand out to keep it from closing.

"Dammit," Shepard muttered as he got in. "Not now Garrus,"

"No I get it Shepard. I am old news that's it? You said no to me because Alenko is back in the picture?" Garrus crossed his arms over his chest cornering her in the Elevator.

"No that is not it Garrus," her eyes wandered. She couldnt tell him what she had thought. Shepard couldn't tell him how confused he was because it was an excuse.

"What can I do Shepard? What can I do to understand this?" Garrus put a talon on Shepard's forehead. "What do I need to understand what goes on in there? I don't know the protocol on reunion with someone you slept with than asked to marry you then fight on a moon with?"

Shepard laughed. For once she laughed incredibly hard because she had forgotten so many things when being stuck on Earth being grounded. He was awkward.

"I don't think there is one Garrus but I think cornering them in an elevator is not one way to do it." she smirked letting her body rest against the elevator wall.

Garrus pressed the button to Shepard's quarters and they stood in silence watching the numbers change. All the way up Shepard tried forming words in her mouth but they felt like vomit. There were no words to give there were no explanations to try to have him understand what she was thinking.

The door opened to her floor. They both stood there neither of them moving til finally the doors closed again. The elevator hummed softly waiting with the stillness in the air. Garrus finally sighed pressing the button the door opened again. He got out putting his hand out to Shepard

"Come on we both know where this is heading," He smiled. Not forced, not fake a real smile. Shepard put her hand out to take his but stopped. They had not solved anything. They never fixed their problem there was more question then answers and literally nothing happening made sense. Shepard's eyes filled with tears.

"Shepard..." Garrus looked alarmed baking away from Shepard putting his hands up, "I mean if the idea of having sex with me makes water comes from your eyes I can go-"

"What if I hadent run into you on that god forsaken moon Garrus?" Shepard blurted out at him, "What if on that Moon I did not see you? Would you have been on Palaven? Would you have been safe? I would have looked for you Garrus. The reapers could take Earth and I would search all fucking Palaven to find you. To see you to know that you were still breathing because I would not have given up. You never gave up on me! I can't marry you I have to save the world!" Shepard wiped her face and Garrus wrapped his arms around her

"I would have found a way to let you know I was safe," Garrus hummed softly in her ear stoking her head "Stop crying, your Shepard dammit."

Shepard laughed a little. Garrus watched her smile grow. Shepard was right what if she didn't see her when she was trying to save the Primarch? What would he have done? abandoned his home to find her? he knew Shepard would be alive because there was never a doubt that she wouldn't be. But search the galaxy search Earth for her? He had no doubt he would.

"Shepard I am sorry for what I said on the moon." He pulled away putting his head against hers, "I don't expect you to drop the world and marry me. I do however expect to know if your feelings are the same or if you know this is going oto be more awkward til we all die from the Reapers."

"Garrus," Shepard looked into Garrus eyes those eyes that had always watched her examined her while she would curse or yell. Shepard remembered his remarks in the elevators of the Citadel when they first met, she remembered him constantly shouting about Shepard's favorite spots on the Citadel and every small stupid memory that they had. Every stupid little thing he said and every little stupid thing she had ever done which was a lot. But Garrus those nights together and how they intertwined.  
'To hell and back' he would always tell her. Shepard pulled him toward her kissing him as hard as she could. Garrus wrapped his arms around her pulled her against him as hard as he could. She didn't let go she pushed harder tumbling over each other til they made it to her room. She pushed him down the steps to her bed feeling his talons rip thought her shirt tearing it. Garrus pulled the clothes off Shepard pulling her face he kissed her neck is mandibles tickling her neck. Shepard unhooked Garrus armor throwing it from him as it the walls with a force. Garrus put Shepard underneath him as he examined her. Those bright green eyes he fell for so long ago. That crinkled freckle nose and that soft smile. He ran his talons trough her hair and for a that small incredible moment absolutely everything felt right for them both.

* * *

Shepard groggy eyes finally opened. She blinked her body feeling heavy. She sat up feeling the covers fall off her naked body. The turian body beside her moved slowly sitting up.

"Hey," she smiled looking at Garrus taken in the small times she had ever seen him naked. Each time still felt so new to her seeing that hard skin that looked so fragile. But she loved it, she adored it and she liked it beating against her last night.

"Hey yourself," Garrus moaned in her ear he grabbed her wrist forcing her down he pushed his hips against hers.

"G-Garrus," she tried to sit up but was no match for him. Garrus bit the side of her neck feeling her cry out his name.

"What Shepard? Something wrong?"

"I just please give me a minute," she pleaded as he pulled away

"I hope there is a good reason for this. There is only so much time for war for me to take this in," he motion his talons to Shepard's breast which she quickly covered with her blankets.

"Garrus can I show you something?" Shepard took the blanket wrapping it around her she went to her desk looking for something,

"If its one of those toys from those vids Joker gave me they seem to quit terrifying and I need you to explain them to me." Garrus grabbed the black bottoms of his under armor pulling them over his body he sat down on the couch watching Shepard moved. It reminded him for the first night he saw her like this. When the ship boarded the Citadel with over hundreds of gallons of liquor given has a gift from the consort for helping her out of a sticky situation. That morning Shepard wa flustered and a mess but it was hot and incredible watching her embarrassed.

"Here," Shepard sat down next to him giving him her datapad. "I need you to read something,"


	5. Chapter 4: Over and Over

Shepard had stood at the door for a while. There were plenty of opportunities for her to knock. There were plenty of times she could have just walked in. But she was not about to be ambushed by herself. By her feelings. Plus she could hear the voices inside and she knew that one was plenty upset with her. She had tried giving herself a pep talk and quite honestly it did not go so well which is very sad on her part. But maybe there was hope for herself yet. Shepard knew what she felt now and she had a very good grasp on what she wanted. Whatever happens on the other side of the door she had to be strong and not be so emotionally tore down by every sweet word. She gulped getting a firm grasp on the TM88-Peruvian Whiskey in her hands. Shepard had stood in the Huerta Memorial Hospital patient wing in front of Kaiden Alenko door for a good twenty minutes before finally walking in.

Kaiden looked up from his bed his body was terribly bruised and scarred. Ashley had been talking in a low tone her hand holding his before she looked up. The look she gave Shepard was of not just surprise but anger.

"You," she snarled getting up from Kaidens bed making her way across the room to Shepard.

"Ashley don't," Kaiden began before coughing. Ashley grabbed the front of Shepard's shirt breathing heavily. Shepard let her though she knew she could take her down but she let Ashley grab her.

"You have a lot of nerve Commander," she hissed, "How dare you almost get him killed? How dare you not save him!" She slammed Shepard against the door and Shepard let her even if it hurt like hell.

"Ashley it was a mission like any other," Shepard tried to explain, "Kaiden did his line of duty."

"Line of duty? You are always throwing his life carelessly into battle!" she snapped back

"Always? What? Since Illos? Everything else wasn't my choice!" this made Ashley even more angry and she pushed Shepard harder against the door,

"No thanks to Cerberus! Those are you men that got Kaiden in this hospital,"

"Thos aren't my men I am no longer with Cerberus Ashley i have not been for long while," Shepard threw her hands up as a surrender

"Ashley it is true," Kaiden pipped in, "Shepard and I have not talk since we visited her ship after Horizon. She is not with Cerberus any longer,"

"He is alive Ashley-" Shepard looked Ashley in the eyes waiting for her to understand.

"Hardly!" She cried out her eyes filling with tears, "How fucking dare you take him to Mars we could have lost him I could have lost him you stupid fool!" Ashley's grip loosed and she crumpled into Shepard like paper. Shepard smoothed Ansley's hair letting her be a mess because she was right she could have lost Kaiden.

"I didn't mean to Ashley I am sorry," Shepard whisper looking over at Kaiden, "I am sorry."

"Dont apologize," he coughed again turning his head to look out the window. "I knew what I was getting myself into I knew that biotic woman was too strong for me but it was a matter of choices. i just made a wrong one."

Ashley moved her way back to his bed grabbing his hand and holding it to her chest, "The important thing is that you are alright. The important thing is you will recover." Kaiden nodded in agreement silent. Ashley examined his face waiting for an answer but he just turned looked her in the eyes her put his hand on her face

"Can you give Shepard and I a moment?"

Ashley looked from Kaiden to Shepard trying to decide if it was a good idea. But she had no room to fight Alenko's wishes so she nodded making her way out of the room she whispered in a long tone so that only Shepard could hear "Don't do anything stupid,"

Shepard just shrugged because they both knew most decision Shepard made were kind of stupid. Ashley left the room looking up she found Garrus had been leaning against the wall this entire time

"Williams," Garrus said his arms crossed nonchalant.

"Valkarian," Ashley replied putting her back against the wall next to him. "I don't like this," she ran her fingers through her long brown hair.

"Yeah well, all you can do is wait." Garrus tapped his fingers against his arm exchanging a tired look with Ashley.

* * *

"Sorry about that," Kaiden sat up his eyes lighting up at the item in Shepard's "Did you bring me alcohol?"

"obviously," Shepard pulled up a chair sitting next to Kaidens bed she leaned her elbow on it getting close to him enough to where Ashley, who she knew was watching them, wouldn't kill her. "How are you feeling?"

"I have been better but I am expected to make a quick recovery what with surgery and all no big deal. I am just going to be an even better more biotic person so i am pretty much turning into you," he chuckled giving Shepard a weak smile, "Modifications and all that stuff,"

"Hey these are real," she pointed to her chest and they laughed. It was nice to see Kaiden happy to see him smile through the pain. "I ame to talk to you Alenko."

"Oh 'Alenko' huh? Now I know this is serious," he shifted so his body was facing Shepard in the bed, "But before you do i would like to apologize,"

"What?" Shepard said giving him a look of shock, "Why?"

"For never believing in you. For never believing you were really you. For thinking you would turn your back on Alliance, on Earth, on me. I know you were not given much option and Cerberus had been the only one. I know you aren't with them anymore and I wont mistake any of that again. You proved to me on Mars that you never stopped trying to save us all from something no one believed in." Kaiden grabbed Shepard hand, "Please know it won't happen again. That for Earth for us all when I recover both Ashley and I will be arms ready for you."

Shepard's face softened at Kaidens words. After everything he was still believing in her he finally had faith in what she believed in felt like a luxury. "Thank you Kaiden, and don't worry I am not expecting you to drop everything to come be my side," she motioned her head to the door, "I think someone else needs you more now."

"Yeah, sorry she is crazy,"

Shepard shrugged, "I would be too. I mean you were on Horizon when we met again. Speaking of Horizon..." Shepard pulled her hand away to fidget with in her lap, "I came to actually apologize. It took me a week to read your message. The one you sent after your visit the one after Horizon after I found out about Ashley."

Kaiden looked down in guilt, "I meant to tell you there was so much I wanted to tell you,"

"I know,"

"But I didn't,"

"I know but that is okay. We were in a different place than and we are in one now. I meant to write back Kaiden I did but I didn't know what to say to you. I was getting involved with someone else," Shepard held her hands up in front of her, "After I found out about Ashley not before or during Illos. But I was scared of finally realizing something."

"What?"

Shepard put her hands down and squeezed Kaidens hand tightly "Illos is over. What you and I had been amazing and it was beautiful and I wont forget what you gave me through these as a friend and more. But you have Ashley and you have moved on. I didn't expect you to come back to me after her I wouldnt ask that of you I just wanted-"

"Closure?"

"Can I ask you something?" Kaiden questioned his gaze never falling away from her.

"Of course Kaiden," Shepard said.

"In a different world if you had not found a way to save both Ashley and I on Virmire and I had lived. If some parallel universe like that. Would we have made it? Us?"

Shepard looked down at him watching him like he was this small precious delicate person. But he wasnt, past his injuries he had become so much more. He was no longer hers to take care of or watch over. But a part of her would always be looking out for him making sure he was okay.

"Yeah," she smiled and he smiled back, "Please know Kaiden a part of me will always love you."

"A part of me will always love you too. I wont forget any of it." He kissed Shepard on the cheek before pulling his body away. They both sat in silence watching the hover cars go by out of his large window. The soft noise coming from the hall of patients and doctors exchanging fears and questions. Watching the world continue to move on while in that moment time for them felt like it had stopped.

* * *

Authors note: Sorry this Chapter is so short but I just wanted a quick cute chapter. Thank you for those of you who have been reading and keeping up on the story it means so much to me. Okay bye!


	6. Chapter 5: To Hell and Back

**_Shepard,_**

_I know we have let the past be the past but I am sorry for what Ashley told you on the Normandy. I am sorry you heard it from her and not me. I should have told you and I wanted to and I tried but seeing you and talking with you just...it had been so long. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I was finally able to and it happen to be with Ashley. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with Ashley on the Citadel. All I was doing was trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything inside just felt new. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. With Ashley I know wrapping your mind around it is hard but you have to understand me rapping my mind around you coming back to live. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't handle it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

**_-Kaidan_**

* * *

Garrus was looking over the message on Shepard's data pad once again. She had shown him the morning before they left to see Kaiden but he needed to see it one more time. Shepard collapsed herself next to him on the couch in her room. She waited for his eyes to stop moving back and forth across the screen before speaking but she wanted him to speak first. He never said anything after she had him read it. But she did however explain to him that she read the letter right before he came to see her that night before the Collector Base. She explained how she felt torn and how the letter made her realize her still feelings for Kaiden. He offered to go with her to see him much to her surprise but it ended up being good for both. She got her closure with Kaiden and Ashley was able to see Shepard as no longer of a threat. But all the way back to the Normandy he had been silent like he had become lost in his own world. She offered for him to come to her room with him and he agreed with only a slight nod. This whole time back he just sat on her couch with data pad in hand trying to wrap it around in his mind these feelings.

Garrus finally turned the data pad off-putting it in his lap they sat in silence. Eventually he picked it up and threw it across the room before finally speaking. "Well, that was probably one of my least favorite things to read," he tapped his talons on his leg trying to find a way to say all the things swimming around in his mind. "So that is it? No other incriminating letters? No one else confessing feelings to you? You have not had other species in your bed?"

"No,' Shepard answered flatly, "I am not the consort, well there was that one time..."

"You've been with the Consort?" Garrus slapped his hand against his head, "I am involved with a woman with too much taste in other species. I though Kelly Chambers was bad."

"Hey!" Shepard puffed her cheeks out, "Rude," Garrus just waved off her response leaning his head back on the couch.

"Well what now? Kiss and make up? I am pretty sure you owe me now considering you took me with you to half breakup with a guy and awkwardly be left in a hallway with his current women,"

"You didn't have to go" Shepard raised an eyebrow at him.

"I am pretty sure you made me," He lifted his head nodding in agreement of his own statement.

"What?" Shepard slapped the back of his head. Garrus laughed grabbing her arms he pinned her down on the couch kissing her.

"You can't throw me in bed every time you want to forget a problem," Shepard said in her best imitation of Garrus voice. He let go letting Shepard get off the couch. Shepard walked over to her giant aquarium watching the fish swim back and forth across here vision never stopping and always going. Garrus watched her stare off into space he watched her move her fingers slowly over the glass as to not disturb the fish in their own habitat. She had very few times when she was gentle. Bed had never been one of them but it was usually times when she was off in her own mind thinking about probably every species and world she had to save. Garrus got up making his way behind her he wrapped his arms around her lower body nuzzling his mandibles in her neck.

"My offer still stands Shepard," he whispered softly in her ear, "You don't have to take it now you don't have to take it ever just know it still stands." he put his talons through Shepard's hands holding them tightly. He could smell a soft sweetness from her neck. A smell her had become so use that it was comforting.

"I can't give it now, but I hope to one day," Shepard turned around wrapping her arms around Garrus neck.

"So what does that mean?" Garrus eyes lit up his curiosity perked, "Does this mean you are ready to become a one turian woman?"

"I suppose I am," Shepard answered without hesitation. Garrus leaned in kissing her with as much passion he could ever give her.

* * *

It had been at the end of the world as Shepard saw it. Tali and Shepard helped an injured Garrus in london onto a shuttle.

"You have to go," Shepard said putting him down on the shuttle

"and you have to be kidding me," Garrus said looking more upset than ever, "I am not leaving you!"

"Garrus I love you," She put her hand on his face

"I love you too," Garrus kissed her as hard has he could as if she would physically know how he felt. Shepard pulled away as the shuttle doors began to close.

"Garrus!" Shepard shouted, "My answer is yes!" with that the shuttle closed.

So it happened. Shepard had to make a choice for the world, for the galaxy, for the Reapers, for the Collectors for everyone.

Shepard decided to destroy the Reapers. She had made the choice because she came all this way not to take power not to take over the world or command fleets of evil. She came this far with a purpose; Come back alive.

Garrus held the plaque with her name on it with the team standing behind him he just stood there. He was supposed to add her name to those they had lost during the war to those whose lives were taken; Thane, Kasami, and Mordin all the others as well. But he couldn't he couldn't do it he couldn't just add her name give up and assume her death.

Garrus turned around reusing to put up the plaque. "Everyone," he began his arms slightly shaking he looked around at his team at all those who stood with him as he had stood along Commander Shepard. They had lost so few but those who stand looked like hell. They were all injured they were all hurt emotionally and they had all lost a little big of themselves when Shepard saved them all. Hackett stood in the background watching the proud few who stood in front of them. Those who had followed the Commander no matter the causes those who had grown to love her and become her team and her family.

Garrus searched the room looking at the faces around him trying to find all the words he needed but he couldn't.

"I know," Liara said the words he was thinking and everyone turned to her. Liara gave Garrus a smile to let him know she knew what he was thinking to let him know that all those words and feelings shuffled around in his head he was not alone.

Joker threw up his hands in the air, "Well we are thinking it!" he hobbled his way to the elevator, "Come on everyone,"

"Where are we going Jeff?" EDI joined him in the elevator along with Liara, Kaiden, Garrus and Ashley.

"Were going to go find Commander Shepard," Garrus said the plaque in his hand not knowing that some where out there in the rubble of a Citadel a N7 officer, an Alliance solider, the first human Spectre gave out a small gasp.

_**END**_

* * *

I am not a great writer I am not the queen of grammar or spell check so thank you all. Thank you everyone who had been reading this journey. Thank you for those who supported me knowing full well I am not a great writer. Thank you those for the encouragement and for helping me finish up the story.


End file.
